A Love Letter to 2021

I wasn't allowed to do a newsletter for the cards this year… so a blog will have to do!

Every time you think a year is your best year ever, another one pops up that is even more spectacular! Of course 2011 (when I met Nickie) and 2013 (when I married her) were up there as amazing years, But 2021, despite everything, has truly been my best year on this planet. Everything came together. This is my 2021 #gratitude list.

@frustratedpoet I’m writing a blog about my first week on #Elvanse today, so I thought I’d do a #My2021 video instead. #fyp #adhd #adhdtok #drag #endo #hysterectomy ♬ I AM WOMAN - ❦ emmy meli ❦

1) Nickie and I continue to go from strength to strength. We’re financially the most stable we’ve ever been (not the be all and end all, but a nice bonus). We still fancy the pants of each other after 10 and a half years and we’re about to spend our 11th Christmas together, our 9th as wives. We are so happy together and I love her more than anybody else in the world.

2) I finally sorted out my gyny issues in the most dramatic way possible hysterectomy! (Thanks to everyone who repeatedly suggested I have it “whipped out”… you were all right! Uterus yeeting ftw!)

3) After 12 months working on the Modernising BBC News 2020 project, I was confirmed in role as the permanent Analyst/Journalist. It’s hard and detailed work with lots of spreadsheets and close work, but I love it. I rounded out the end of the year by building a new Smartsheet with loads of automation which will make the whole thing much simpler

4) After 17 years of employment, I got my first black female manager. She’s amazing, a brilliant rolemodel and trusted friend, and I am the happiest I’ve ever been at work! I'm also on a team which skews POC and female, which is nice! Feeling very much like the "future of the BBC" that Danny Morrisey always said I was.

5) Working from home has changed my life. It meant I was able to fully recover from my surgery, while still popping in on meetings when I needed to, and it also means I don’t have to mask - which is exhausting! (Also don’t have to wear a mask as I’m in my own home!)

6) I returned to Drag as both queen and king on the door of Club Tropicana and continue to thrive! Thanks to Alex for recommending me and to James for convincing me to come back. King thanks for being just a brilliant and supportive Queen, full of advice. 

Allan and Toby thanks for being brilliant bosses and for listening and actioning our suggestions. Ethan and Dave, thanks for your management skills (and for all the ciggies). Remy, you're the best doorman I've ever worked with on Club Trop thanks for the lovely chats, and all the fruit tea! 

And Stefan for… well… it’s not actually about you! #notthis

7) A special mention for Stefan... seriously Lavender, you’re one of the best things to come out of 2021. You are one of the kindest and most talented queens on the circuit, and I really hope that you know that. You have taught me so much (you're the reason I can now block out my eyebrows like a pro). I love you to death and 2022 is your year, I can feel it.

8) We decorated the hall, stairs, landing and dining room and so after 7 years, the house we live in truly feels like ours… we had the blessing of our fantastic landlord (who loves what we’ve done) and an excellent Handyman called Abraham who I can thoroughly recommend. We did this instead of going on holiday this year, and I’m so glad we did. 

9) I got to see so much of my family! Mum and Dad, and my brother and his girlfriend Rachel. And although it was an extremely sad occasion, the death of my uncle, I even got to see all of my aunties and uncles. I spent lots of lovely quality time with my godmother Denise and my god sister, as well as properly meeting my godbrother for the first time. I also saw my little second cousin Freddie with his mum and dad Faye and Tod. After 2020 it felt like I’d never get the chance! We even got to see more of Mum 2 - my mother in law Annette, we've just come back from a visit to her house in Cambridgeshire for her birthday.

10) I also managed to see some of my dearest friends for the first time since the pandemic (I'm talking about you Heidi, Cathy, Michele and Helen, Shig, Deb and the Mutants!) Our best boys, Jacub and Alex moved in just down the road, and we've been seeing them every chance we get! Even just running into people in the Village who I haven't seen for ages (Lee, Akkers, Bonnie) has been lovely.

11) I realised/came to the conclusion that I might be neurodivergent. Everything in my life pointed to the fact that I am not really the same as neurotypical people. I actually stopped procrastinating for long enough to write to my doctor for a referral via Right to Choose, and in the meantime applied for ADHD coaching through Access to Work.

My amazing coach, Martin, from Zems Academy has been truly life changing. He helped me to put strategies into my life which helped me manage the day-to-day before I was able to see the psychiatrist, and his suggestions and advice remain in my life to this day (he is the reason we have 4 Alexas (would be more but they don’t do them for the bathroom! My next car will have her build in!)

12) This is the really big one… after 36 years and 364 days on this planet, I was diagnosed with ADHD on the 3rd August 2021. Learning that I have had this since childhood, and reflecting on my life up to this point hasn’t been easy.

Thinking about how different things could have been if it had been recognised earlier has been particularly hard and in the past 4 days, I lost a longtime friend who’s girlfriend feels I am too much, too overbearing, that I consume my friend to the detriment of others, and that I talk over her too much. It came without warning and broke my heart. It's the first time I have lost a friend in full knowledge that it is because of my ADHD, and that was really really tough.

But knowing how much of my behaviour can be explained has been huge. I’m not always lazy, I have executive dysfunction. I don’t always get obsessed about things and people, I hyperfocus on special interests and new friends. And perhaps I was never even depressed! I have a chemical deficit (dopamine) which means that I struggle to find joy much of the time.
This is me, and if you don’t like it… bog off! 

13) I decided to stop doing Black Lives Natter - I couldn't commit enough of my time to this brilliant project, and that wasn't fair on my podcasting partner Eljai, so I stepped back so that she could work with somebody who could be more dedicated and help the project really soar. I can't wait to hear it!

14) This is another really big one, perhaps bigger than the diagnosis! On the 26th November, I started medication to treat my ADHD. I think if I hadn’t started off with the coaching, the meds would have been a sticking plaster. But combined with the strategies I have learned with Martin, I have managed to change everything about my life in a positive way.

@frustratedpoet This is a game changer… #fyp #adhdtiktok #adhdtok #adhd #elvanse #adhdmeds #meds ♬ original sound - Lydia Bernsmeier-Rullow

My disordered eating is finally under control, I no longer mindlessly snack, and I am finally regaining control of my weight (this is a positive for me, and not a judgement of anybody else). 

I have started cleaning at home - I even managed to completely clean up after a party 2 days after my first dose without Nickie’s help (as she was poorly) - this is unheard of!). I made address labels (and return address labels) for our Christmas cards, and sent them out in time for Christmas. I even managed to send some to the States early enough (for a change). This might seem like such a small thing, but it really isn't - I've always wanted to be the person who sends lovely cards to my friends, but they always arrive late, or not at all, or people have received 2 because I forgot I sent them. But not this year! Even wrapping the presents seemed effortless. 

I can't believe that these 2 little pills, taken every morning, could help so much. The chattering in my brain has stopped. I can remember things I need to remember! I use my work diary for EVERYTHING - even personal stuff like appointments and reminders to fill in my Psychiatry UK forms... and I haven't missed one yet.

Before meds, before diagnosis, before coaching I managed to miss an appointment at the hospital at a time I was there getting coffee. I would walk things shouting about how I couldn't find them. I would struggle to wait my turn in conversations, knowing that if I didn't say it now, I would forget it. My brain would tell me cruel things about myself 24/7. All that has stopped.

And that's why the loss of my friend is so hard. We haven't seen each other since October, but she knows I'm now medicated, I've done nothing but post TikToks about it for a month. She didn't even give me the chance to demonstrate the change before cutting me off (via Nickie by the way, she didn't even message me). She's never met the calm and capable medicated Lydia, and doesn't want to... So I guess I'm going into 2022 without her, and maybe that's a positive. 

BUT I don't want to end this on a sad story. This blog deserves better... so I'll talk about my plans for Christmas 2021. 

Merry Christmas from the Bernsmeier-Rullows

Nickie and I have both tested negative for Covid, which is worth saying at this point - I feel so blessed as so many of our friends have been testing positive and/or falling ill with symptoms. We truly are the lucky ones. All of the shopping and wrapping is done. I've got my lovely Jammy Red Roo wine for my night-cap, and some alcohol free Nozeco for tonight's Christmas Eve gathering at Jacub and Alex's. 

My parents are coming for Christmas Eve lunch today, it'll just be the three of us as we're having lamb (Nickie hate's lamb), and Nickie is out for her traditional Christmas Eve last minute shopping day. And tonight, I'm going to go to Midnight Mass at the local church. I had something of a spiritual reawakening a couple of weeks ago, so I'm going to go to church for a service for the first time in several years.

Tomorrow it will be just the two of us for an all American Christmas lunch (fried chicken, Cornbread, greens and mac and cheese, root beer), home made sausage rolls (another tradition), presents, tv, and not much else. Bliss. And then we've got a nice few days of doing nothing but eating Doritos and dip and spending time together. 

Could it get any better than that?

Merry Christmas every one,

Lots of Love,

Lydia xxx